Monthly Archives: June 2012

I need to apologize to you.

Dear nameless woman,

I’m sorry.  I don’t know what else I could have done.  Maybe if I had rushed downstairs I could have helped you from your attacker, or found a way to assist you in gathering your things and taking you somewhere safe until the police arrived.

All I did was call 911 and request police assistance with an altercation.  I described him, you, your vehicle, and the threats I heard him make to you; that he’d kill you, run you over, beat you, make you hurt.

I knew those words, I carry them under the skin everywhere I go.  But still, I reported; as calmly and clearly as I could to the person taking the report.  I gave my name, but requested that I not be called.  And I don’t know why they called me, twice, but I didn’t hear the phone.  I was too caught up in my own head, feeling those words and the menace behind them and knowing that they are being said somewhere to someone else, at this very moment.  ALL THE TIME someone is being hurt, raped, murdered, silenced.  I know all these things.

I’m sorry, I feel like I did nothing.  I did nothing to try and save you myself, nothing but dial and talk.

I watched you run off, screaming and begging for someone to hear you on a street where cars go by regularly, watched in the odd silence as the minutes ticked by, and the words tumbled from my lips; height, build, description of clothing, hair, coloring, etc.  Yet, as the words fell into the ears of the operator, my body felt the mark of his threats made reality.

I’m sorry, I hope it was enough.  And I’m sorry if it wasn’t.  I’m sorry if what I do will never be enough.  I’m trying with all I have.

Please forgive me.

Open SF was amazing and challenging, both of these are good things.

When a presenter is actively sought out to speak at a conference there is a joy and a trepidation that happens.  Joy in being sought out, but trepidation that the expectation of what you can do has already been set.  At least, that’s how I felt when organizer Juana Tango contacted me about Open SF.  I had watched with interest on FL as talk about this conference started making the rounds and as a polyamorous person, had decided that I wanted to attend if it didn’t interfere with Desire, which I am on staff for.  That fear was assuaged when it was decided by my Beloved and I that our honeymoon expenses would be covered by the same amount we spend on working and attending Desire so with heavy hearts we said we’d see our beloved Desire tribe next year.  That meant that when Juana Tango asked me if I’d be interested, I was free and available.

As a presenter, it is hard to balance the needs of the conference with the needs to keep a roof over one’s head.  As a new conference, and new to the Bay Area for presenting, not charging a speaking fee was the most equitable solution I felt for both parties.  They were still able to get some amazing keynote speakers, Tristan Taormino, Yoseñio Lewis, and Ignacio Rivera were amazing both as presenters and in their keynotes.

Another stumbling block for me as a presenter/attendee was the fact that as a Queer of Color (QoC) I am more than willing to discuss what this means in all my different communities.  So, not only did I present my “Intimacy of Sacred Kink” but I also participated in a panel discussion named, “Poly “isms”:  Addressing Multiple Marginalizations in Non-Monogamous and Kink Community” with Virgie Tovar, Stacy Reed, and Invisibleank, to talk about the experiences we have had as People of Color in the different alternative sexuality communities here and in the broader areas we hail from that was moderated by Irene McCalphin.

Why do I bring up all this backstory?  Because most of the media has been silent on the aspect of the conference that made the biggest impact to the attendees; the inclusion and hard work of making sure that marginalized communities in the majority society (which I define as heterocentric, cissexist, gender normative, male-dominated, and white) were represented.

This article from an attendee has a clear focus (and they’re an awesome blog to follow, IMO) but all I can hear is that the experience was one where the gaze was very much on the things he was interested in seeing and hearing and does justice to the presenters but only notes the keynotes and presenters he attended; all white.  Which is not a bad thing, it’s just a thing.  But, in a way, it also speaks to the experience of a person who isn’t of color and already subject to marginalization by the majority society.

This article does slightly better, but by drawing the focus on the ideas of communication no matter what expressions of sexuality happen in a relationship (kink, poly, etc.) while diminishing the idea that there was a presentation (which they mention) on kink, race, and class by Ignacio and Yoseñio, it lends credence to this being like any other typical conference.  The article even asks that question in the beginning, “One of the first questions that arose was whether such a conference was even necessary. Isn’t sexuality something that comes naturally to most people? Does it need to be taught? Don’t people figure it out for themselves?”  The producers, presenters, staff, volunteers, and attendees certainly felt that the answer was an enthusiastic YES!  Because while sexuality is a personal thing, it is also a very political thing when it is not a part of the majority society, and therefore, being able to ask the questions of privilege within a sexual community, and how to deal with that, is important and necessary work.  I’m not saying that it isn’t fun, sex is one of the most fun things out there, expressing my sexuality (in all its vast ways) is my life’s work; but I don’t live in a vacuum, and I can’t pretend that my sex isn’t informed by my experiences as a woman-shaped genderqueer of color of Mexican heritage of a lower working class/immigrant family.  Even when I’m by myself, who I am isn’t set aside just because I have a Hitachi between my legs.

A big part of my willingness to participate in Open SF was Pepper Mint and the rest of the staff were willing to challenge themselves during the process of creating a line-up.  In talking to him about it, he (I am using the gender pronoun I have seen most often applied, and apologize if this is incorrect.)  talked about how there were people on staff originally who were upset and dropped out when the focus became less about the ‘fun’ stuff and more about the ‘hard’ stuff.  A shame to have lost them, but at the same time, it meant that walking the halls of the host hotel I didn’t feel like I needed to wrap the flags of my intersections tight around me like a cocoon to shield myself from the White Male Gaze.  I attended caucuses and presentations where the question of, “How do I make this work for me as a person of color?” wasn’t answered with there is no change because lalalalalalala I don’t see your color, but with careful thought out consideration for what that means in this country.  And that, is a success to me.

Maybe I am biased because I attended more of the presentations by people of color than not, but for me, as a queer of color, as a non-gendernormative person, as a woman-shaped person, talking about how this body and the steps it takes as political acts, are a respite for a world-weary view.  I grow tired of being the ‘one and only’ in a room full of people who when they step out of the dungeon space, or the cuddle party space, appear for all intents and purposes to be the majority society.  I can’t do that.  So, I live my full poly, kinky, pagan, genderqueer life, that’s a political act in itself.  But, Open SF, gave me a platform to show me that I am not alone, and that the majority society types who inhabit these same spaces, now know I am there too.  And I’m not going away.

Happy Summer Solstice, of a sort.

Yes, happy Summer Solstice or Litha to those of us in the Northern Hemisphere.

I, who am clearly not designed to work well in daylight, spent most of the day in dark dress, avoiding activity, drinking tea and then finally forcing myself into suitable outside clothes for the running of the errands BEFORE entering my hibernation phase.

Come Samhain, I will be up and running and full of energy.  For now, please bear *hee* as I am feeling like a low-watt bulb in a much too high watt light socket.  I’m just not up to the task, apparently.

But I will do my best to be here for those that need me.  Caffeine is a friend, not a crutch in this time of year.

Thank you, Open SF!

I am still recouperating from Open SF and all the amazing moments I had, witnessed, and luxuriated in.  It is a true testament to a growing community that even with all the hard topics raised we were able to look at them, and ourselves with a critical but compassionate eye.

If you attended my presentation, The Intimacy of Sacred Kink, and wish to talk further, you can reach me at  I try to check that on a regular basis.  I look forward to continuing the conversation and expect to see a lot of posts in the next couple of days about questions that the presentation brought up for me.  Which I will admit is one of the most amazing things that happens whenever I stand up to talk to people about what I do; it always ends up bringing up and showing me new avenues to explore and ponder and try, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to walk my path, together.  You all inspire me.

With deepest and sincerest gratitude to Pepper, the staff, volunteers, and all attached to Open SF, and to you, the attendees.  Without you, I would’ve just been talking to myself.  I do that enough as it is.

Starting in Ordeal (Or How I Learned to Love the Pain)

For Ordealists, one of the big discussion topics centers around knowing when.  When did you know that Ordeal was for you?  When did you decide to mix kink with spiritual practices?  When did you do this for the first time?  One of the things that has always come naturally to me is answering not just the when, but the why that attaches to it.

Why I started in Ordeal is more about where my path was going (and what it’s start was) then anything one person/deity/spirit said or did to and for me.

I grew up Catholic (that’s a common enough start for many pagans, isn’t it?) with a strong cultural tie to the Church.  However, I also grew up with a lot of superstitions and beliefs that weren’t taught at Sunday school or from the pulpit.  A lot of my early childhood memories are of sitting with my mom and staring at the angels and saints and the Crucified Christ and the statues of Mary and ‘talking’ to them.  It was one of those things that one shares in the enthusiasm of youth, yet, my mom always made sure to hush me about it.  The less I said, the better in her book.  That attitude forced a lot of my ‘incidences’ to be spoken to no one.  I spent years cultivating an understanding and a spirituality that connected me to Saints that had strong experiences with the Holy Spirit.  Teresa of Avila and her physical experience of the Holy Spirit was a strong motivator for me and still is.

It is this moment; sublime and humble together.

In her own words, ‘I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the iron’s point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it. The soul is satisfied now with nothing less than God. The pain is not bodily, but spiritual; though the body has its share in it. It is a caressing of love so sweet which now takes place between the soul and God, that I pray God of His goodness to make him experience it who may think that I am lying.’ – The Life of Teresa of Jesus, autobiography

My early encounters with angels, saints, Mary, and Christ Crucified were solidified when I turned 13 and experienced the pain of crucifixion in my own body.  The agony of a crown of thorns, lashes to my body, the piercing of nails, and a spear into my lung at such a young age, marked me as a stigmatist, but left no discernible physical symptoms.  It is the one quiet secret that I have kept for a long time; that I belong to this small group of people, and yet have no desire to speak of the experience, for mine is nothing compared to others.  For I am made nothing when the pain and agony of Ordeal happen.

When Ordeal happens, I simply cease being for me, and AM for something outside of me; stronger, larger, more powerful but infinitesimally present.  These quiet stillnesses that come over me, that are distinctly not me, that is why I’m willing to do Ordeal, to use it (wisely and conscientiously), and to enjoy the process.  That is my first step in my own start towards Ordeal.

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