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It’s Been A Hot Minute…

Jul 17

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I should start with everything that has gone down for me since we last saw each other, yes?

Dark Odyssey: Surrender was amazing and I am so thrilled to have been able to present with the talented and beautiful soul that is Yoseñio V. Lewis. We did a lot of good work at our workshops and I hope to go back to another Dark Odyssey event.

Had a successful and amazing time hosting the FIRST EVER PoC HOSPITALITY SUITE AT PANTHEACON. We’re working on being there next year, with more food (like we didn’t have enough?) and some room specific offerings. If you’re interested in donating to the cause, the link is here, please donate if you are so able and moved.

I am currently slated to present at CatalystCon in September. Yoseñio and I are once again co-presenting and the title is, “But Wait, There’s More! Exploring the Intersection of Race, Class, Ability and Sexuality and Desire“. Info is here.

Posted in Life, Pagan, Processing, Race, Work

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Disillusionment

Feb 9

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I have struggled for the better part of this week with these words.  I have sat with the pain and hurt and brutality of the things I have read and seen in print from people who should and COULD do MORE, and a small part of me, is NOT surprised.

Let me backtrack with a quick story from my childhood.  My mother used to tell me all the time that extending friendship and trusting people would only ever lead to hurt and pain.  She consoled me when people I thought were friends turned their backs on me, when I was betrayed, when as a kid, in my trust of so-called friends, I ended up getting beaten up.  

And yet, I trust.  I end up joining communities that make some lofty claims; that the people who engage in these communities live by trust, honor, and respect.  That they gather in perfect love and perfect trust.  That they will stand by you, that if you come to them with a painful situation, there will be people there.  

So, with that tiny bit of background, imagine my distinct lack of dismay upon hearing that the Eagle Bar (a quasi-connected chain of international bars that cater to the gay/queer Leather community) in Portland had decided to hire a white, gay-male comedian whose best ‘bit’ is donning blackface to portray a “middle-aged black woman on welfare with 19 kids”.  I sat, dumbfounded, as this act and the booking was defended by the proprietors and others in Portland and beyond.  I sat, feeling that same bitter disappointment in being betrayed by so-called friends and community members who started calling for neutrality, claiming that “art should NOT be censored” that those of us who were kicking up a fuss were too emotional and sensitive, that we (but really, people of color in the Leather community) did NOT deserve to feel our anger, our hurt, our OUTRAGE at being thrown under the bus for the sake of someone’s laughs.

The words my mother said came tumbling back down onto me.  And I had the usual response I’d had as a kid growing up, “Why?  Why did I trust them?  Why didn’t I listen to my mom?”  There were times in the past when that worked, when I’d pull so far into myself that I ended up appearing anti-social, withdrawing into books, into my studies, into my own self.  But, like many humans, I am a social creature.  I have a need to be in a group of people I choose to have around me, who see value in my contribution and with whom I can commune with.  CommUNITY.  

I am hoping that in 2013 I wouldn’t have to explain the history of blackface in the US; that we understand that white performers putting dark facepaint on and acting like caricatures that humiliate, demean, and denigrate black people (sometimes by making African-American performers put the paint on their own faces!) has no place in today’s society.  That the redemptive value of ‘art’ (which I loosely define as a body of work that draws the viewer into questioning some basic understanding of how their society functions, not just as a whole but as themselves in said society) is NOT found in this act.  I won’t even LINK to any of Knipp’s videos because I REFUSE to provide this person with more hits to his YouTube videos.  I am also hoping that we can understand that yes, blackface in the rest of the world is NOT based on the racist undertones that existed here in the US.  This is NOT about art, or blackface outside the US, or any other attempt at gaslighting the pain being experienced by real people who entrusted their fellow community members to stand up to racism.

This is about accepting and acknowledging and seeing the pain for what it is; a feeling of betrayal, as raw as any other betrayal; be it lover, friend, family, or any other relationship that calls on some of the very vulnerabilities that we willingly expose ourselves to when we decide to take a chance on a community.  To hear just a bit of how painful that sense of betrayal can be, here is Mollena William’s post, this is a video I am more than willing to share.

That hitch in her voice?  That rueful laughter?  That hurt in her eyes?  I know them all.  I feel them all, to varying degrees when I think that somewhere out there, at some play party I have yet to attend, or some leather weekend I bust my ass for, there is someone who says that Knipp’s act and the hurt it causes me and those I care for, is OKAY.  That I need to lighten up.  

Blackface is racist.  Full stop.  When a person of color states that a ‘comedic’ act is a horrible action that brings pain and hurt and disappointment and anger and a myriad of emotions too numerous and HARD, if you are ANY KIND OF AN ALLY, do NOT attempt to explain away our feelings, don’t take away that moment, and our being present to the pain and wanting to do something to stop a hurt so deep and heavy that humanity hasn’t even been able to find a balm for it; just acknowledge the pain.  Be the ally you claim to be and lend us your voices.  

My current standing in the leather community is on shaky ground; I believed that if I lived a life of integrity, if I followed the tenets of Trust, Honor, and Respect that I would find fulfillment in my authentic, kinky, liberated self.  In the leather community, I have found friends, partners, family.  Community.  But that foundation has been rocked to its core.  In writing these words, I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of the pain I am feeling.  

I had originally thought of doing a video post to get these words out.  But a post where I sob for 15 minutes (maybe more) wouldn’t do much.  I feel like I have barely even given voice to the knot in my throat.

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Things I Wish White Pagans Realized

Aug 28

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I am currently putting time and energy into a hospitality suite for Pagans of Color at Pantheacon.  It’s a labor of love and difficulty because of the perceived notions about what that space means and how its effects will reverberate through the general pagan community.  Discussion on a post I put up on Facebook (that I have since removed) derailed, HARD.  There was an individual who was quite upset with the words white supremacist as a descriptor (and a valid one) for what I call ‘majority society’; white, affluent, male, gendernormative, heterocentric, and cissexist.   Pointing out to an individual that while he WASN’T racist, there were those who looked like him that were, was read as an attack that didn’t actually exist.  But the kneejerk reaction of needing to be labeled as NON-racist was so strong that I was surprised and a little unsure as to how to proceed.  I stopped engaging the person I’m speaking about because he tried to get me into an either/or argument and I refuse to talk in logical fallacies, he decided to take my silence to mean that I agreed with him in his logical fallacy, thereby putting words in my mouth.  That conversation was a while back but I find myself going back to it time and again, especially when this post started making the rounds.  Keri’s experiences are all her own, but far too often, the question of racism in paganism, along with all the other -isms that exist in society get brushed aside, silenced when mentioned, or are casually dismissed as being ‘not important to the circle and its workings’.  So, here’s my list of things I wish white Pagans realized when PoC (Pagans of Color) join the circle, (all of these are written in the first person singular, because these are things I WISH they realized, each PoC’s list will be different by a little or a lot, that is part of the joy of dealing with people NOT as a single voice for their ETHNICITY OR RACE, but as the INDIVIDUALS they ARE):

1.  When I talk about marginalization, I want you to imagine an onion, and all the layers an onion has, how thick or thin they are as they get down to the core, that’s what marginalization is like for me.  The more intersections I have, the more layers to my onion.  I am a genderqueer, queer, kinky, poly, pagan, female-presenting, AFAB, Mexican American, lower socioeconomic status upbringing, working class, person.  My onion is nice and thick.  When white pagans complain about how demeaned they feel by the majority society and their tendency towards being Abrahamic Christian and the assumption that they are to, that’s a layer on their onion.  But, they have the opportunity to be heard because their whiteness grants them that chance to state that they aren’t Abrahamic Christian.  If I stand up to say that, it is automatically assumed that I must be a Santera, or some other derivative of that and therefore still have reverence for Catholic saints, etc. because I’m “mexican so that’s what you do, right?”.  I have layers to my onion added, because of what people assume about me by seeing me on the street, in the circle, and at pagan gatherings, not REMOVED.

2.  When I say that I want a separate space for marginalized groups within paganism, I’m not just talking about PoC (Pagans of Color), I’m also talking about groups that don’t normally get lots of exposure or attention.  The second generation, the older women, the young women learning their sexuality, the men who want to explore in safe space the feminine within (dressing, acting, taking up roles traditionally considered female and not allowed or accessible in normative society), the Christo-pagans who have a need for sanctuary to practice their particular faith without getting the side-eye from ‘true Pagans’…  All those voices and experiences deserve a space they can carve out and call their own to feel safe, not just from the rest of a ‘con or gathering, but from themselves.  It’s not about self-segregating, it’s about self-care.  When I am asked if I would be okay with someone making a space in a pagan gathering that was ‘whites only’ and how that would affect me, I honestly didn’t have an answer because, the majority population at a pagan event tends towards white, so why do you need another room when there’s a whole conference/space/gathering area where you can see each other?

3. Using questions like how I feel about any and all forms of racism as a way to goad me into stating that some racism is worse than others is just plain tacky.  At worst, it shows that you’re grasping at straws for an argument, at best, it’s a blind statement to how you might think you’re being attacked when someone questions the privilege of your whiteness.

4.  Declaring that you are upset by people choosing to have a space that marginalizes you because you’re white, is hard (for me) to take seriously.  Do you actually HEAR yourself when you say these words?  Do you realize how hard it is to hear this because that’s what it’s like for me and other PoC and marginalized groups for a few moments in a hypothetical situation?  Our marginalization happens in our day to day.  We are marginalized, othered, and shamed for things we have NO control over, just going about our day.  I wish I could feel for you, I really do, and part of me does; but the part of me that does, is sardonic in its response because you have now been afforded a taste of what my life is like, CONSTANTLY.

5.  My silence does NOT mean my consent.  Silence means NO.  My silence and what it means, does NOT get to be defined by you.  By deciding for me, what my actions mean, marks me as the one needing to have my mind made up for me, and clearly, you as the white person, know my mind better than I do.  No, you do not, therefore you should NOT ever be allowed to do that.  It’s just another tactic that has been used in the past to drive home just how marginalized PoC are, and is plain bad manners.

6.  One of the things that makes this hard for me is this commonly used phrase in paganism, “in perfect love and perfect trust”.  A friend of mine and I were discussing it, I see it as part of the agreement I consent to by doing magic with a circle of people, not just with my deities.  And this is the one that suffers the most every time I have to defend the need for space; the more I hear claims that people who are pagan CAN’T be racist, the more I hear that this is self-segregating, separatist, etc. the less I feel I can trust being in sacred space with you.  This isn’t just about me saying that this space isn’t open to allies, which it is.  It’s more about why did I have so FEW allies at the first PoC Caucus at Pantheacon?  Why wasn’t my room overflowing with allies wanting to hear, listen, support, and learn ways to participate in the discussion around this social justice issue?

Paganism isn’t immune to these issues, if it were, there wouldn’t be the need to hear from one Heathen group after another distancing themselves from their more stringent contingents (the ones who claim that only Northern European descendants have the right to worship the Norse deities).  We deal in interesting areas of life; we worship g*ds that are from a time that’s not ours, a people we may have no actual genetic connection to, and have experiences that science can’t explain but that feed our souls.  Part of the experience within humanity is remembering that we all have walked a path long before we walked this Path together.  I read a lot of talk about how each person’s path is different and the destination looks similar even if it’s worlds apart, but part of that is the fact that for some of us, the path has been thornier than just people not understanding the CHOICE to be pagan.

The main thing I wish white Pagans realized:  I’m not any more different from you, just because I have a skin color that is darker than yours.  The g*ds called us both, even if the way we are called looks vastly different.  I ask to join this circle because I want to have that moment of perfect love and perfect trust with you, with the group, with my g*dden.  If you can’t have me there because you hold onto some antiquated notion of what being non-white means, then tell me, before I enter into the circle with you.  Don’t waste my time with your issues, I have enough of my own.

Posted in Life, Pagan, Processing, Race, Right Practice, Right Thought, Work

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Open SF was amazing and challenging, both of these are good things.

Jun 21

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When a presenter is actively sought out to speak at a conference there is a joy and a trepidation that happens.  Joy in being sought out, but trepidation that the expectation of what you can do has already been set.  At least, that’s how I felt when organizer Juana Tango contacted me about Open SF.  I had watched with interest on FL as talk about this conference started making the rounds and as a polyamorous person, had decided that I wanted to attend if it didn’t interfere with Desire, which I am on staff for.  That fear was assuaged when it was decided by my Beloved and I that our honeymoon expenses would be covered by the same amount we spend on working and attending Desire so with heavy hearts we said we’d see our beloved Desire tribe next year.  That meant that when Juana Tango asked me if I’d be interested, I was free and available.

As a presenter, it is hard to balance the needs of the conference with the needs to keep a roof over one’s head.  As a new conference, and new to the Bay Area for presenting, not charging a speaking fee was the most equitable solution I felt for both parties.  They were still able to get some amazing keynote speakers, Tristan Taormino, Yoseñio Lewis, and Ignacio Rivera were amazing both as presenters and in their keynotes.

Another stumbling block for me as a presenter/attendee was the fact that as a Queer of Color (QoC) I am more than willing to discuss what this means in all my different communities.  So, not only did I present my “Intimacy of Sacred Kink” but I also participated in a panel discussion named, “Poly “isms”:  Addressing Multiple Marginalizations in Non-Monogamous and Kink Community” with Virgie Tovar, Stacy Reed, and Invisibleank, to talk about the experiences we have had as People of Color in the different alternative sexuality communities here and in the broader areas we hail from that was moderated by Irene McCalphin.

Why do I bring up all this backstory?  Because most of the media has been silent on the aspect of the conference that made the biggest impact to the attendees; the inclusion and hard work of making sure that marginalized communities in the majority society (which I define as heterocentric, cissexist, gender normative, male-dominated, and white) were represented.

This article from an attendee has a clear focus (and they’re an awesome blog to follow, IMO) but all I can hear is that the experience was one where the gaze was very much on the things he was interested in seeing and hearing and does justice to the presenters but only notes the keynotes and presenters he attended; all white.  Which is not a bad thing, it’s just a thing.  But, in a way, it also speaks to the experience of a person who isn’t of color and already subject to marginalization by the majority society.

This article does slightly better, but by drawing the focus on the ideas of communication no matter what expressions of sexuality happen in a relationship (kink, poly, etc.) while diminishing the idea that there was a presentation (which they mention) on kink, race, and class by Ignacio and Yoseñio, it lends credence to this being like any other typical conference.  The article even asks that question in the beginning, “One of the first questions that arose was whether such a conference was even necessary. Isn’t sexuality something that comes naturally to most people? Does it need to be taught? Don’t people figure it out for themselves?”  The producers, presenters, staff, volunteers, and attendees certainly felt that the answer was an enthusiastic YES!  Because while sexuality is a personal thing, it is also a very political thing when it is not a part of the majority society, and therefore, being able to ask the questions of privilege within a sexual community, and how to deal with that, is important and necessary work.  I’m not saying that it isn’t fun, sex is one of the most fun things out there, expressing my sexuality (in all its vast ways) is my life’s work; but I don’t live in a vacuum, and I can’t pretend that my sex isn’t informed by my experiences as a woman-shaped genderqueer of color of Mexican heritage of a lower working class/immigrant family.  Even when I’m by myself, who I am isn’t set aside just because I have a Hitachi between my legs.

A big part of my willingness to participate in Open SF was Pepper Mint and the rest of the staff were willing to challenge themselves during the process of creating a line-up.  In talking to him about it, he (I am using the gender pronoun I have seen most often applied, and apologize if this is incorrect.)  talked about how there were people on staff originally who were upset and dropped out when the focus became less about the ‘fun’ stuff and more about the ‘hard’ stuff.  A shame to have lost them, but at the same time, it meant that walking the halls of the host hotel I didn’t feel like I needed to wrap the flags of my intersections tight around me like a cocoon to shield myself from the White Male Gaze.  I attended caucuses and presentations where the question of, “How do I make this work for me as a person of color?” wasn’t answered with there is no change because lalalalalalala I don’t see your color, but with careful thought out consideration for what that means in this country.  And that, is a success to me.

Maybe I am biased because I attended more of the presentations by people of color than not, but for me, as a queer of color, as a non-gendernormative person, as a woman-shaped person, talking about how this body and the steps it takes as political acts, are a respite for a world-weary view.  I grow tired of being the ‘one and only’ in a room full of people who when they step out of the dungeon space, or the cuddle party space, appear for all intents and purposes to be the majority society.  I can’t do that.  So, I live my full poly, kinky, pagan, genderqueer life, that’s a political act in itself.  But, Open SF, gave me a platform to show me that I am not alone, and that the majority society types who inhabit these same spaces, now know I am there too.  And I’m not going away.

Posted in Gender, Life, Pagan, Processing, Work

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Thank you, Open SF!

Jun 12

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I am still recouperating from Open SF and all the amazing moments I had, witnessed, and luxuriated in.  It is a true testament to a growing community that even with all the hard topics raised we were able to look at them, and ourselves with a critical but compassionate eye.

If you attended my presentation, The Intimacy of Sacred Kink, and wish to talk further, you can reach me at xochiquetzal.duti@sacredprofanity.com.  I try to check that on a regular basis.  I look forward to continuing the conversation and expect to see a lot of posts in the next couple of days about questions that the presentation brought up for me.  Which I will admit is one of the most amazing things that happens whenever I stand up to talk to people about what I do; it always ends up bringing up and showing me new avenues to explore and ponder and try, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to walk my path, together.  You all inspire me.

With deepest and sincerest gratitude to Pepper, the staff, volunteers, and all attached to Open SF, and to you, the attendees.  Without you, I would’ve just been talking to myself.  I do that enough as it is.

Posted in Life, Processing, welcome, Work

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Defining my practice in terms of my culture, or not.

So, as I prepare to moderate (at least, I hope it’s me moderating as opposed to presenting, though I’m prepared for that possibility) the People of Color Caucus at Pantheacon, I recognize that it is forcing me to look at my own practice and how I work within the contexts of the cultures I am, and cultures I am working with.

My Fearsome Foursome™ are Aztec, Celtic, Hindu, and Norse (why yes, I put them in alphabetical order, not order of importance) and I have been made aware (more than once, by each of them in turn) that I can’t hide behind the argument that I get a pass because I am a PoC (Pagan of Color).  If anything, I am compelled to work harder because I can’t be lazy about my practice and about recognizing its origins in my own work and the work of those who belong to the cultures I am drawing from.

Even the fact that I am Mexican (with Indian, Italian, and Spanish heritages feeding it) doesn’t let me slack off on the Aztec side.  I am pushed (and currently gathering resources) to learn Nahuatl, to study what my Matron wants me to study, to research and correct the erroneous information about Aztec practices that perpetuates the New Age talk out there.  I’m the gnashing of teeth you hear miles away whenever someone starts talking about the “Mayan Apocalypse” because first: they ran out of room on the stone, if you look at it, you can tell, there’s an end to how many days they would be able to fit on it.  Second, why would an ancient civilization attach itself to Christian terminology?  Yes, in Mayan, Aztec, and Incan mythos there is talk of ending the worlds, but not leaving them obliterated, but to recreate them.  The end of the Mayan Sun Calendar is the assumed destruction of the current world and the recognized beginning of a new one, one they assumed would be an attempt by the g*ds of their pantheon to make something better.  /endrant

No, really, it was an issue with space. Think about it, someone had to lug that thing!

And this truth was costing you 300$ two years ago at some cheap Hilton conference room!

 

In working the Hindu pantheon, and my being in Sharanya as an initiate means I have to make sure that I work closely with current organizations that are working on issues like the AIDS epidemic amongst sex workers, freedoms for trans/alternate gender expressing people (which some worshippers are, as part of their worship) because it is part of my path as a genderqueer Spirit sexworker.

Working with the Celt and Norse though; that creates a kettle of fish I have to try and fry sometimes.   It makes it difficult for me to feel like I connect sometimes, despite what Odin and the Morrighan tell me (which is that I’m doing just fine) but this ties into my feeling of not achieving enough and thus overachieving to make up for the self-doubt.  So when it comes to these, I tend to take the path of an academic, I read a lot of reconstructionist works, because I have friends who are big in recon and because that academia is important to learning about civilizations, not necessarily to do their rites as they’ve been discovered (except when requested, I have a format, it works for me) but to acknowledge the work being done there.  To support it when I can by buying a book on a part of it that interests me (runes, ogam, and cultural/historical findings), and collecting all these tiny facts and resources for when someone might have need of them.

But I still feel like I don’t do enough.   I think of all my issues, this one ties into my cultural background the most.  I don’t feel I do enough, I’m a workhorse (my maternal family were ranch hands, it’s in the blood to work hard is what my Mama would say when I was up late studying) and sometimes, I push too far or too hard and wonder why I’ve been knocked on my ass. . . it’s still hard for me to deal with knowing that I do enough.  One of these days, I will know that I have.  This is part of that learning.

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