Disillusionment

I have struggled for the better part of this week with these words.  I have sat with the pain and hurt and brutality of the things I have read and seen in print from people who should and COULD do MORE, and a small part of me, is NOT surprised.

Let me backtrack with a quick story from my childhood.  My mother used to tell me all the time that extending friendship and trusting people would only ever lead to hurt and pain.  She consoled me when people I thought were friends turned their backs on me, when I was betrayed, when as a kid, in my trust of so-called friends, I ended up getting beaten up.  

And yet, I trust.  I end up joining communities that make some lofty claims; that the people who engage in these communities live by trust, honor, and respect.  That they gather in perfect love and perfect trust.  That they will stand by you, that if you come to them with a painful situation, there will be people there.  

So, with that tiny bit of background, imagine my distinct lack of dismay upon hearing that the Eagle Bar (a quasi-connected chain of international bars that cater to the gay/queer Leather community) in Portland had decided to hire a white, gay-male comedian whose best ‘bit’ is donning blackface to portray a “middle-aged black woman on welfare with 19 kids”.  I sat, dumbfounded, as this act and the booking was defended by the proprietors and others in Portland and beyond.  I sat, feeling that same bitter disappointment in being betrayed by so-called friends and community members who started calling for neutrality, claiming that “art should NOT be censored” that those of us who were kicking up a fuss were too emotional and sensitive, that we (but really, people of color in the Leather community) did NOT deserve to feel our anger, our hurt, our OUTRAGE at being thrown under the bus for the sake of someone’s laughs.

The words my mother said came tumbling back down onto me.  And I had the usual response I’d had as a kid growing up, “Why?  Why did I trust them?  Why didn’t I listen to my mom?”  There were times in the past when that worked, when I’d pull so far into myself that I ended up appearing anti-social, withdrawing into books, into my studies, into my own self.  But, like many humans, I am a social creature.  I have a need to be in a group of people I choose to have around me, who see value in my contribution and with whom I can commune with.  CommUNITY.  

I am hoping that in 2013 I wouldn’t have to explain the history of blackface in the US; that we understand that white performers putting dark facepaint on and acting like caricatures that humiliate, demean, and denigrate black people (sometimes by making African-American performers put the paint on their own faces!) has no place in today’s society.  That the redemptive value of ‘art’ (which I loosely define as a body of work that draws the viewer into questioning some basic understanding of how their society functions, not just as a whole but as themselves in said society) is NOT found in this act.  I won’t even LINK to any of Knipp’s videos because I REFUSE to provide this person with more hits to his YouTube videos.  I am also hoping that we can understand that yes, blackface in the rest of the world is NOT based on the racist undertones that existed here in the US.  This is NOT about art, or blackface outside the US, or any other attempt at gaslighting the pain being experienced by real people who entrusted their fellow community members to stand up to racism.

This is about accepting and acknowledging and seeing the pain for what it is; a feeling of betrayal, as raw as any other betrayal; be it lover, friend, family, or any other relationship that calls on some of the very vulnerabilities that we willingly expose ourselves to when we decide to take a chance on a community.  To hear just a bit of how painful that sense of betrayal can be, here is Mollena William’s post, this is a video I am more than willing to share.

That hitch in her voice?  That rueful laughter?  That hurt in her eyes?  I know them all.  I feel them all, to varying degrees when I think that somewhere out there, at some play party I have yet to attend, or some leather weekend I bust my ass for, there is someone who says that Knipp’s act and the hurt it causes me and those I care for, is OKAY.  That I need to lighten up.  

Blackface is racist.  Full stop.  When a person of color states that a ‘comedic’ act is a horrible action that brings pain and hurt and disappointment and anger and a myriad of emotions too numerous and HARD, if you are ANY KIND OF AN ALLY, do NOT attempt to explain away our feelings, don’t take away that moment, and our being present to the pain and wanting to do something to stop a hurt so deep and heavy that humanity hasn’t even been able to find a balm for it; just acknowledge the pain.  Be the ally you claim to be and lend us your voices.  

My current standing in the leather community is on shaky ground; I believed that if I lived a life of integrity, if I followed the tenets of Trust, Honor, and Respect that I would find fulfillment in my authentic, kinky, liberated self.  In the leather community, I have found friends, partners, family.  Community.  But that foundation has been rocked to its core.  In writing these words, I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of the pain I am feeling.  

I had originally thought of doing a video post to get these words out.  But a post where I sob for 15 minutes (maybe more) wouldn’t do much.  I feel like I have barely even given voice to the knot in my throat.

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About xochiquetzalduti

Sexwork, Spiritwork, Ordeal. Whatever way you need me, I can help you fulfill your request. It may not be easy and we will both feel the challenge, but it's what I do.

Posted on 09/02/2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I love you. May I forward this to Leland so this may be added to the Leatherati links at the bottom of Loren’s most recent post?

  2. When I learned about that “comedian”, my first reaction was to put it out of my mind. Why? 1. Because I’m tired of my energy being spent on people who haven’t done anything to merit my even glancing in their direction, and 2. Because I’m just tired. I can’t sustain the amount of righteous disgust that things like this require anymore, I just can’t afford it energetically.

    Nearly everything in this society I live in is a statement that echoes everything that “comedian” caricatures. Even in all the small minutiae, there are little things that I come across that tell me that I and other black women don’t or shouldn’t exist.

    Looking at makeup displays that deliberately have 12 shades of beige foundation and stops long before getting to my shade, and that’s the story in every CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s in America. Women of lighter complexion looking at me in amused disdain while I contemplate buying makeup at places that actually have a few lines that cater to my skin tone. The optometrist telling me she couldn’t sell me glasses because none of the ones she had in stock would fit my wide nose and head, so of course she has to demonstrate this by choosing the smallest frames and actually attempting to put them on me. Having to listen to non-black acquaintances compliment each other on their beauty and style when we go out to special functions, only to look at me and change the subject. Seeing people of all social statuses trash and disrespect the !FLOTUS! for her body in ways that no other First Lady has had to endure…and my body looks just like hers. Living in places that have an abundance of hair salons and not finding EVEN ONE that will touch your hair because “they don’t do *your* kind of hair”.

    All this is something he dresses up in to mock, and then takes off when he’s had his fill.

    Yeah, I will get a little snarly at people like that “comedian” sometimes. And then I remember, people like that don’t have black friends. People who don’t have black friends (and I mean FRIENDS that they kick it with, not “friends” they’d never invite to their parents’ home for dinner) pull shit like this all the time in private that PoC aren’t privy to. Mainstream society is certainly not going to tell them they’re wrong in any meaningful way, and they won’t want to change something that makes them a Fun Person™, or money. It’s easy for me to say this because I’m not in Portland’s Leather Community, but it definitely takes a lot of restraint and mental discipline to keep myself unruffled when it is in my backyard.

    I’ve spent so much energy crafting my life in such a way to help minimize the daily effect of micro-aggressions and recalibrating my self-esteem every goddamn day (and sometimes I fail miserably for months at a time) so that I can weather the bleedout at the end of the day. It takes time, energy, and emotions that I’m not going to give to some hack who calls himself a “comedian”. I really mean it when I say that I do not give a fuck about him as a human being. I simply haven’t got that kind of emotional resource to spare. Sorry. Okay, actually no, I’m not.

    • I completely get you. And you shouldn’t HAVE TO come to be the rallying cry, every time. I’ve watched so many allies give big sighs of relief at being allowed to say something, and that bothers me. The culture we work in is SERIOUSLY FLAWED. This is one very prime example of that.

  3. I live in the South and I feel distraught when I see rebel flags hanging around. Although occasionally I feel snarky and want to thank them for the “X marks the racist d-bag spot” – the reality is that I wonder how they can just trample on that trigger, that slap in the face and feel no guilt. It’s nauseating. I can’t imagine a context in which blackface performance can be defending in 2013. D:

    • Yeah, I know, it’s like surreal, innit? @_@ It’s boggling to me, that when I started speaking up about racism in paganism I kept being scolded for recalling the specter of racism in a post-racial world.

      Then, this. So, how’s that post-racial claim looking? @_@

  4. I agree with your assessment. Black face is racist. full stop. Wearing “indian” headdresses (unless you are a decorated tribal leader) is racist. full stop. It’s amazing that we still have to say this in 2013.

  5. This is beyond wrong. I just sent an email to the Eagle as well as the Leather Alliance telling them my thoughts on the matter. I don’t know if it will do any good though. Is there something else we can do? Protest during the night of the show? Try to let a wider audience know what this guy is about and how they are welcoming him to perform?

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